Star Wars Characters in the Sack, Ranked

The Best and the Worst of Star Wars Characters, Ranked by Prowess

As we enter the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, with stressful travel ahead, and newsfeeds that look like the Book of Revelations, it’s time to keep it light on Ahch-To Baby. So, dear readers, I give you the Top Ten Star Wars Characters, Ranked by How Much Fun They Would Be In Bed.

You’re welcome, everyone.

10 - C-3PO

For the right man or non-binary load lifter, C-3PO is probably their exact kink. You know he’s good at preparing a bath and bringing you tea afterwards. Sure, he’s metal (maybe that’s someone’s thing), but he can pillow-talk in over six million forms of communication. I assume that includes French and Italian? He’s also the only Star Wars character we’ve seen completely naked. Nude scenes are in his contract, if you know what I mean.

9 - Hera Syndulla

Hera is space-mom extraordinaire and moms are hot. She looks fit in a flight-suit. Yes, she’s mourning the loss of the love of her life, but I think that would make her no-bullshit about getting everyone’s needs met, i.e. high on open, honest communication and low on drama. (Plus, she’s a Twil’ek and I know you freaks are into the lekku.)

8 - Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

I think he is a very bad boyfriend and I would not want my daughter to date him if I had one, but it’s clear from reading the entire internet that Ben Solo can get it. He’s a terrible mistake that everyone wants to make, and he has a chest like a water buffalo. I don’t know if he’s all that into his partner’s pleasure, I’d guess not, but that’s not really why someone chooses to ride this particular ride. It’s more of a hang-on-for-dear-life situation. I imagine this pent-up misery machine would be quite a lot of fun before he finished… and then disappeared into the Force. That’s what happens when an emo guy feels happy for even one second.

7 - R2-D2

You know that Artoo is DTF. Plus, he comes with a lot of attachments. This little hero is a rolling Toys in Babeland! He’s a vibrator with a dirty mouth and has seen it all. Don’t sleep on Artoo (but do sleep with Artoo).

6 - Han Solo

I know some people will question Han being this low on the list, but I get the impression he’s overcompensating a little? I mean, he’s experienced and hot and I’m sure he’s got it going on, but you’re going to have to make time for lots of reassurance, and patience for all the posturing you’ll have to wade through to get to the main event.

5 - L3-37

L3 (Fleabag the Droid) has more sexual energy than Lando can handle. Lando.

How does that work?

It works.

4 - Leia Organa

This is a little complicated for me because I have made a point, in my life, of not sexualizing Leia. She’s an icon of feminism, and a badass, and not to be trifled with. (Put her in a metal bikini and see what happens to you!) But the fact remains: she was the sexual awakening for a significant percentage of your friends. That’s no accident. She’s abundantly beautiful and confident and there’s not much she can’t do. You just know she’s got zero hang-ups, and is more fun than an evening of fireworks and fizzy lifting drinks.

3 - Poe Dameron

You get the sense that Poe Dameron, dashing pilot, might be into just about everyone he meets. He’s got smoldering chemistry with Finn, a dash of it with Rey (I mean, it’s true), and will-they-won’t-they energy with Zorii Bliss. Plus, his last impulse, at the end of the Star Wars Saga, is to try to get into Zorii’s magenta jumper. Captain, Commander, and General Poe has big jackrabbit energy. Plus, he can fly anything. I imagine that includes whoever responds positively to a raised eyebrow.

2 - Maz Kanata

Maz is the horniest character in Star Wars. She wants to jump Chewie’s bones, and when we see her in The Last Jedi, she strokes a blaster and talks about how The Master Codebreaker can do ‘everything!’ (“Oh yes…he can.”) Maz has run a bar for 1,000 years. You know she’s had late nights with every eligible species in the galaxy far, far away.

1 - Lando Calrissian

Who else could possibly top this list? Everyone in the Star Wars has to fan themselves when Lando’s around. (Even at 80 years old, in The Rise of Skywalker, when he says “give Leia my love” and Rey says “you should give it to her yourself,” we’re all thinking the same thing.) He can make droids sexually curious. One might think that would make him a lothario and unreliable, but this is a business man who respects his partners. The proof? He calls his mother, “the most amazing woman [he’s] ever known.” A man who respects his mother that much won’t sleep on respecting you, too.

There you have it! But that’s not all. To be thorough, here are the five worst characters in Star Wars to take home at the end of the night.

5 - Luke Skywalker

He goes from 1970s cute to greying gravitas but the fact remains: Luke Skywalker is a virgin. The kind of virgin that looks super proud of himself when his sister gives him a smooch. Perhaps he did meet someone in the 30 years between Return of the Jedi and his exile, but it definitely doesn’t look like he was keeping up his beauty regimen for anyone, you know?

4 - Obi-Wan Kenobi

See above. He’s a monk. I imagine if he commited the sin of having a moment of pleasure (with Duchess Satine), he might have not entirely embarrassed himself, but the distance between what a handsome fellow he is and his level of experience? A recipe for disappointment.

3 - Ahsoka Tano

If Twitter still existed, I’d say don’t @ me. I insist that being a Jedi is not a good way way to gain erotic XP. Ahsoka, in her series, is very into folding her arms or being nonplussed, but that’s as far as it goes. One wonders if she’s ever met a person who makes her pulse rise above placid.

2 - Din Djarin

Honestly, I think there’s a romantic in The Mandalorian, but, let’s be real. If you refuse to take off the helmet, you’re going to limit your options in every way. And if taking off your helmet is going to make you feel guilty and cry and be a whole thing every time, that’s going to be put a real damper on anyone getting, well, damp. Pedro Pascal is a Space Zaddy. Mando? Less so.

1 - The Emperor

Emperor Palpatine is so sexless that The Powers That Be explained him having a granddaughter with a complicated scheme about cloning. His entire reproductive strategy is vats of weird fluid. Plus, he has, at best, a wandering eye. His whole thing is being a creeper for men who are ‘far younger, and more powerful.’ Ew, dude. He’s an assexually reproducing cougar, with a penchant for robes that aren’t slimming. Plus, he’s obsessed with other people kicking his ass. Unless you’re into a pestering power bottom, recommendation to avoid.

And with that, I heartily apologize for my behavior! May The Force Be With You! Thanks for reading and have a great holiday!